Attachment

This is a post that we SHOULD have written before now.  Many of our friends are also going through these same life changes, due to adoption, I will use their thoughtful comments here.  This post, that I will adapt slightly, was written by a friend Christina A.  Her family is waiting to receive clearance to travel to Ethiopia for their daughter; thanks Christina!

Walk Alongside in Prayer and Encourage Us

Thank you once again to our prayer team that have faithfully prayed with us these last three weeks.  What a blessing and change it made to our lives.  God used your prayers to pour out His provision, kindness and grace to us in an environment that was challenging. 
THANK YOU! 

May our Lord richly bless you for being a servant for His purposes!

On hibernation:  Here is a link to a blog post written by Jen Hatmaker which addresses the attachment period needed between family and child. I am going to cover a few of the statements addressed in her post that our family has chosen to take on as our new normal for awhile. I will copy those here, clearly, in this post, to help you know how to help us and Punya adjust.

It is crucial that we use this period of time with Punya wisely to build a foundation that will help her move forward in a healthy fashion.  We also hope to help her move forward more quickly as she becomes certain that WE are hers and SHE is ours - FOREVER. Our home will be the 4th "group of people" she has lived with in her first 4 1/2 years of life. Try to understand her fear, brokenness and her confusion. Can you imagine?  She is used to many people meeting her needs so if that continues here, our home becomes yet another "care facility".  She MUST learn what family is, who her parents are, what her parents roles are in her life, who her siblings are and their roles as well. That's a lot to learn for a little girl!  As we have arrived home we must put these boundaries in place. As Punya moves into our family environment, we need to teach her that is exactly what it is.

• "Know this: Those first few weeks and months will more than likely be difficult. They might be downright disastrous. You will struggle through feelings and emotions you didn’t know you were capable of. You will cry. They will cry. They may absolutely spaz out actually. You will wonder if your life is ruined or if happiness will ever return to your home. Beloved, IT WILL. It so will. They are grieving and processing and transitioning. It’s just hard – on them, on you, on the bio kids if you have them. There is no magic formula that will skirt your family around this chaos."

EVERYONE IN OUR HOME HAS HAD MELT DOWNS.  WE ARE ALL LEARNING A NEW WAY OF BEING A FAMILY.  SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS ARE BEING STRETCHED.  JUST TONIGHT MEG CRIED THAT SHE MISSES HER OLDER SISTER.  ELLA HAS THE BEST RELATIONSHIP WITH PUNYA OUT OF ALL OF US AND THAT IS BOTH HARD AND AND GOOD DEPENDING ON WHO YOU ASK. 

• "Prepare your family and friends in advance for this very important attachment plan: No one touches, kisses, holds, or meets the needs of your new one except you and your spouse. No one. Tell them in advance and explain why. Your child needs to learn right away that you are his mother and father. YOU ARE. You will meet his needs. You will hold him when he cries. He belongs to you, and you are forever. He is coming from a multiple-caregiver situation, so if twenty strangers hold and kiss and feed him and rock him in his new environment, nothing has changed at all. He will struggle to attach to you because you are not his sole caregiver. This principle is not permanent, but it is so necessary at first. Tell your family and friends to give him a “high five” and that’s about the end of it for a bit."

JON AND I FEEL WE NEED TO WATCH THIS MORE CLOSELY WITH PUNYA AND PULL BACK WITH LIVI.  HONESTLY, WE FEEL WE ARE SEEING LIVI (WHO WENT THROUGH ALL OF THIS THREE YEARS AGO) REACHING OUT INAPPROPRIATELY TO MALES, POSSIBLY BECAUSE WE DIDN'T MONITOR THIS MORE CLOSELY.  YOU ALL CAN HELP US WITH BOTH OF THEM BY KEEPING TO THE "HIVE FIVE" AND REDIRECTING THE BOTH OF THEM TO JON OR I FOR ANYTHING MORE. 

• "Keep visitors at bay for awhile. Your child doesn’t know you yet. A lot of revolving faces simply reinforces the notion that people come and go, and he is alone. Yes, these people love you and love your child. They are thrilled he is home and care so deeply. You know that. He doesn’t. Tons of smiling, oversized, touchy strangers constantly in and out make for a nervous, insecure child. Our friends left dinner on our porch and texted us. Our parents chomped at the bit waiting, while we worked our way through the early storm of transition. God bless them."

THANK YOU FRIENDS FOR CARING FOR US IN THE SAME WAY!  THE MEALS HAVE BEEN A BLESSING!  ALLOWING ALL OF US TO WAVE AT THE WINDOW GIVES PUNYA BOUNDARIES AND SECURITY.  SHE CAN CONTINUE TO GAIN CONFIDENCE KNOWING THAT THERE IS A PERIMETER OF SAFETY.  WHILE YOU MAY NOT HEAR, SHE WARMLY ECHOS HER SISTERS WITH "TANK EW!" ACCOMPANIED BY BIG SMILES. 

• "Stay home. I mean it. Stay the heck home. Cancel your calendars. Pull out of everything you’re involved in. Temporarily quit your small group and your Bible study and your volunteer position at church on Wednesdays and your gym classes. Katy, bar the door. Circle the wagons with your little family and hunker down. Do not take your newbie to Target. Do not drag them to public places. Do not spend two hours in the car running errands with them. Keep the moving parts to an absolute minimum."

HONESTLY, WE'VE PROBABLY STRETCHED PUNYA TOO MUCH ALREADY.  IT HAS ONLY BEEN ONE WEEK HOME.  WHEN WE DO TOO MUCH WE SEE HER SHOW SIGNS OF SELF-SOOTHING BEHAVIORS; ROCKING HERSELF, HUMMING, TEARS.  THE SWEET ONE ONLY KNOWS A VERY STRICT ROUTINE, DAY-IN AND DAY-OUT.  EVEN HAVING AN HOUR OF FREE PLAY IS OVER STIMULATING FOR HER.  IN THE ORPHANAGE SHE COLORED AT 10:30.  SHE DIDN'T CHOOSE BETWEEN MARKERS AND CRAYONS, SHE DIDN'T CHOOSE BETWEEN GREEN PAPER AND BLUE, SHE WAS GIVEN A COLORING BOOK AND COLORED.  OUR HOME IS PRETTY ROUTINE IN COMPARISON BUT TO PUNYA'S LIFE THE CHOICES ARE THRILLING AND DAUNTING ALL AT ONCE, CAUSING HER TO ACT LIKE A WOUND-UP TOP SET LOOSE TO SPIN AND CRASH.